The identities we choose, the circumstances we can't

In the last few days, I registered for classes at Denver Seminary (!) and applied for my first government loan (gross). Saw my 7th grade English teacher at Panera last week, who is just "so proud" that I am a published author now (and maybe assumes some of the credit). Also ran into my 12th grade Service Learning teacher there, who looked at me like I'd grown a second head when I told her about my new name (which, depending on how long it's been since I've talked to certain people, it's really not that 'new' anymore).

Nonetheless, it follows me. While applying for my first loan, the name on my FAFSA still reads "Sarah E," which caused me to have a minor freakout that Denver Seminary will think I lied about my identity once they receive those records, or that I wasn't telling the "whole truth" and am thus unfit to be in a position of leadership...that probably sounds ridiculous, but that's really how my mind works. And when it comes to such a sensitive issue as this, a little frustration is not unheard of. This will be the first time I'm registered for a class under Sarahbeth. It's kind of a big deal.

Just today, I typed in the name of a customer for a to-go order by reading it off his credit card; he seemed personally offended by that, claiming "That's not the name I use!" And I honestly felt horrible. I of all people should know to ask someone first before going ahead and assuming their given name is actually their name, meaning the one they prefer to go by.

That's the great injustice with the whole naming process: we don't get to choose them, our parents do. Most of the time we just accept it; others, not so much. Few people, it seems, actually take legal action to do anything about it.

On a somewhat unrelated, yet still relevant note, I went to my first Take Back the Night event at Kent State last week, and it was awesome. I shouldn't say I loved it, because ideally, events like this shouldn't have to exist. But it was incredible. From burning the names of attackers (which seems a little vindictive, but it was actually quite liberating) to chanting things like "NO MORE DATE RAPE" while walking through campus, and listening to personal stories of survivors, it gave me more food for thought about creating new identities to overcome hardship.

The common denominator of the stories I heard, and even the one that I shared, was a deadly combination of shame, guilt, and self-hatred. Men and women alike described a loss of self-worth because they no longer felt "pure" for the person they eventually hope to be with...that, more than anything else, was the catalyst for my wanting a new identity. Not just the spiritual one I now have in Christ, but a legal one as well. It would be more "official" that way.

That is why, ridiculous and melodramatic as it sounds, it's like nails on a chalkboard for me to be referred to as Sarah (UNLESS you happen to be my mother, but even that is only when we're at home). While I've always disliked how common the name is, for me it represents my life before I learned the consequences of judging others; before I learned true self-respect; before I became a new creation after baptism. So it's not only annoying when people automatically assume it's okay to 'shorten' my name without asking, it's offensive.

I know the average response to that is probably going to be something like "Oh, lighten up, people don't mean any harm by it" or maybe even "Get over it!" I understand it's "unusual" to have a double first name, at least in this part of the US (I've been told I need to move to the deep south where names like Mary Lou and Bonnie Jean are the norm, and I'll fit right in), but it is one of my biggest pet peeves lately when people make assumptions about what they think a person should be called (I'm sorry, Panera customer! It will never happen again!).

I know a Matthew who despises being called Matt, and an Abigail who won't respond to Abby...so I'm not the only one who's a stickler for formalities. And someday I'd like to meet the woman who wrote this article and tell her that I know just how she feels!