The great ambition of the ordinary sinner

This is a very bold confession I'm about to make: much of my life has been characterized by ambition. That in and of itself is not a bad thing; doing whatever is necessary to get ahead doesn't have to be a selfish pursuit...but sometimes it is.

Many of my historical favorites are known for their ambition, which is probably why I love Anne Boleyn so much (though her ambition did cost her her head...). It was ambition that lead me to quit my dance class at the age of six and take up figure skating instead, for no other reason except to perform by myself, with all eyes on me. I didn't want to share the spotlight with anyone else.

Ambition lead me to explore a calling as a Rabbi, because it made me "different." People talked about me and remembered me for that (heck even my 7th grade English teacher who stopped in at Panera one day remembered that). Finally, as many people already know (or suspected), changing my name was partly due to ambition as well. To stand out more. Add on to that the self-made glory of writing a book, and there you have it: I am in danger of allowing success to go straight to my head (which is big enough thanks to the mop of curly hair sitting on it). I count my blessings that I can recognize this problem on my own before it becomes necessary for close friends and family to point it out to me.

Honestly, if I were Jesus, I'd have shown off my ability to perform miracles to everyone who passed by. But instead, he told the people he healed not to tell anyone about what they saw. He wasn't interested in raising himself up on a self-made pedestal; he was interested in glorifying the one who sent him. 

Yeah, I'm nothing at all like that.

So, I have come to the conclusion that I could use a few exercises in humility; but how would I go about doing that? Well, for starters, it won't be long now until I pack up my life and move across the country to Colorado, where I hardly know anyone, and no prior reputation will precede me. There's no temptation for me to perform and impress people I don't already know. A little blending in could be good for me.

When I first started getting to know Josh, he asked if he could call me Sarah, because, ya know, Sarahbeth is just so long. My response was "Pssht, no!" So he asked, "Okay, can I call you Beth instead?" At the time, I wasn't expecting anything beyond friendship, so I said "Sure why not." Well, seven and a half months later, it seems that Beth has stuck. His family calls me that. His friends call me that. My own father said to me one day "Hey Beth, can you unload the dishwasher?" Initially, that had me thinking "Hey, wait a minute! There's nothing unique or different about 'Beth'! That's not what I want!" But, thinking about it more, I realized once again that what I want isn't always what is good for me.

Honestly, would I really be less special if my name was once again more common? Would my presence on this earth matter any less? Interesting, too, that growing up I always wanted a nickname; now I have one. And yet, I still manage to find something to complain about. The time I spend analyzing trivial, unimportant matters is starting to concern me greatly.

Now I have assigned myself the task of remembering that I was not put here to live for, or glorify myself. There is no real reason for me to stand out against everyone else; every gift or talent that I have is wasted if I use them for my own selfish advancement. In trying to make humility a new way of life, I strive to glorify the only one who really matters; the only one who really deserves it. And that is none other than God himself.

~B (S.B.)
Isn't that James Bond-ish?