The following post from STFU, Rape Culture! is perhaps one of the most disturbing things I've ever read. It's a very revealing look into the mind of what many of us would describe as a "typical" guy...one who also happens to be a serial abuser.
The sad truth is, he (I use the pronoun "he" in the general sense, not referring to a specific person) is most likely someone you've met before. Someone you might consider to be an all-around "nice guy." Experiences like his are the reason why rape and sexual assault are the most under-reported crimes in America, if not the whole world.
Not gonna lie: this is very disturbing stuff. If you can stomach a confession about how a man gets away with rape, I encourage you to read it, because it does well to explain why so many women are afraid to come forward. Here it is.
Done now? Disgusting, wasn't it? I for one had to hold back bile. But, a few thoughts:
I must say, this is a very brave confession, even though it's flawed (come on, the guy says he's only "somewhat remorseful"?? What the hell?). BUT, I will credit him with this: he's aware of the fact that he has committed rape. How many men who've done what he's done will call it for what it is? I think the majority would still consider themselves "good guys." They'd resort to blame games like "You know you wanted it," "You're so hot I can't keep my hands off you," and the like.
I'll even hazard a guess that there are guys out there who do those things, and legitimately don't know they are committing a crime. We are so deeply entrenched in a culture that puts pleasure on a pedestal, it's no wonder there are people who see coercion as just a means to a self-gratifying end, nothing more.
My next book is based on experiences like these. While fiction (in the sense that the characters have made-up names, but are composites of real people in real scenarios), I'm hoping it will resonate with the scores of women who have found themselves in similar situations, but don't know what to call them, or how to deal with them.
One of the take-home messages of the novel (and there are many) is that rape culture affects more people than you think; therefore, it's important to take seriously those who are brave enough to come forward about it. Don't second-guess them. Don't pepper them with personal questions. Refrain from hasty judgments like "Well why did you stay with him?" "Why didn't you just leave?" "Why haven't you called the cops?" You don't know what you yourself would do unless it's happened to you. Don't presume to know otherwise; you really don't. And even if you yourself have experienced something similar, your reaction to it will NOT be the same as another person's.
I plan on including a series of discussion questions in the back. Whether anyone looks at them or takes them seriously, who knows...but I will feel better as both an author and a future crisis center employee if I can leave the reader with something more valuable than just a story. I want people to read it and re-think the kind of jokes they tell, the behaviors they find acceptable, and what it really means to respect boundaries. It's a small step toward a day when confessions like the one above are read with the same amount of shock and disgust one would have if he confessed to kidnapping a stranger and raping her in an alley.
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