The scariest thing in the world

Sophomore year of high school, I wrote a short story based on a dream I had. It was about a girl who was a total bitch to everyone, didn't have any vision or purpose for her life other than putting others down. So when she died in a car accident, some people were actually happy. Hardly anyone attended her funeral, but those who did struggled with finding nice things to say. After all, no one dares to speak badly of dead people.

Depressing, right? Well, I wrote it to convince people to start caring more about their impact on the world, especially myself...because the scariest thing in the world to me is living a life that doesn't amount to anything. Do you ever wonder what people will say at your funeral? I don't enjoy thinking about death -- no one really does -- but every once in a while, it's important to have an honest reflection of yourself and wonder what people might say in terms of how you affected them.

Maybe you don't care about making an impact that can expand long after you're dead, but I do. Whether we're destined for heaven or end up becoming nothing more than worm food, no one has an excuse to slip by in this life unnoticed. I think deep down you know that you were meant to do something more than eat, sleep, mate, reproduce, and die. That's a perfect summary of the life of a squirrel, but it shouldn't be for you.

That was the second convicting seminar of LT so far. It's fun stuff. And it snowed again today, but I'm a crazy Ohioan who actually prefers snow over heat. I like wrapping myself in soft snuggly things. Like fleece. And kitties. I have a day off of work tomorrow and I think I might try something crazily out of my comfort zone like hiking. We'll see how that goes...

Craziness > Passiveness

First convicting thought of the summer: What am I doing in my life right now that requires faith? It's an uncomfortable question, definitely not something I can answer right off the top of my head. The truth is, I'm not entirely sure. There have been instances in my life where I've been so desperate that I had no choice but to do things God's way instead of mine, because my own ways of doing things kept ending in failure. But living in faith on a regular basis? Now that is a challenge.

One thing that has been made clear to me in the first opening days of LT is that so much of religion has been made out to be a list of do's and don'ts. I can definitely explain the things I know I'm "not supposed to do" as a Christian better than the things that I should. When you're religious, you give to charity, treat others the way you'd like to be treated, and basically be a "good person." But the list of things you should NOT do is much longer: Don't lie. Don't steal. Don't have sex if you aren't married. Don't hold on to anger. Don't forget to read the Bible regularly. Don't breathe too loudly in church (just kidding).

With a mentality like that, it's no wonder that so many people give up on God. But the ones that are so passionate, the ones that go above and beyond what even other church-goers consider to be "normal" religious behavior are not considered devout, but crazy.

Now I'm well aware that there are plenty of insane people who happen to be religious. I'm talking about those with a warped agenda like Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, or that pastor in Florida who wanted to burn the Koran in protest of building a mosque on Ground Zero. But when I think of "crazy" in the well-meaning, hungry-for-authenticity-over-passivity kind of way, I think of people who treat God the way they'd treat someone they're in love with. Someone you can't stop thinking about, someone you can't wait to spend time with.

That's a kind of passion not many people understand. The question I have for those who describe themselves as believers is this: How is your faith changing your life? Your attitude? Your behavior? If it isn't doing that, if it's just something you do on Sundays only...without intending to be disrespectful or "high and mighty," I would like to know what the point is then?

I feel like a giant hypocrite writing such a convicting post when I myself can barely answer any of the questions I've just asked. But, as I have mentioned before, I am in Colorado to be challenged, so every time I start to feel consumed by all my problems of self, I'll just look out the window at the mountains to remember how small I am (figuratively and physically) :).

I am so far from where I think I should be, but if I waited until I completely cleaned up my life I'd never get anything done, so I'll just take my screwed-up, insecure, lonely little self out from under the covers and see how God will change me this summer. This much I know: I won't return to Ohio exactly the same as I was before :D

This summer, I wanna learn to be a crazy person.

Adventures in Leadership Training, Episode 1

There are many things in this world I will never understand.

I don't understand how people accuse God of being neglectful of this world He created with all the starving and destitute people in it, yet we are the ones who choose to be selfish with our resources.

I don't understand how older, married, financially stable couples are unable to conceive children, yet irresponsible 14 year olds get pregnant without trying, in addition to plenty of irresponsible grown ups who are addicted to drugs and selfish living, and refuse to give up their parental rights.

I don't understand why I always come up with brilliant comebacks...long after the situation in which I need them has passed.

But most of all, I don't understand how people can see a view like this...

...and not believe in God. I can't believe that scenery this beautiful was formed by a random coincidence.

It hasn't even been a full week since I've been in Colorado, the leadership training hasn't officially started yet, and I've already met THREE Christians who were raised in Jewish families like I was. It's extremely rare to meet someone like that in general, let alone three in under a week! I just feel like it's more proof that I am meant to be here.

But I'm not naive about how the rest of the summer will pan out, just because the first couple days have been amazing. I remember very well what one of the pastors at my church said about how LT not only stands for Leadership Training, but also "Lots of Trials." I will be challenged this summer, I know that. I will be required to step outside my comfort zone and listen to people's ideas in project groups that I may vehemently disagree with. And if you ask most people who know me, they'll affirm the fact that I like to think I'm right about a lot of things. ;) Humility is not exactly my forte.

I already cried during the first church service, feeling convicted about a lot of things. The summer is young, and more tears are yet to come, I'm sure. It will be an interesting adventure. I'll try to keep the updates regular. :)

The end of a person is impossible to find

We all would like to think that we can know someone intimately, in such a way that we can predict what sort of actions are consistent with their character, and what actions are completely contradictory. I can say with a significant amount of confidence that my best friend is completely incapable of intentionally hurting someone; there may be some who will say the same about me. We make character judgments all the time, as if it is entirely possible to reach the end of a person, and know everything he or she is capable of.

I'm not so sure I believe that anymore.

If I could spend a significant amount of time getting to know someone -- an entire day, a week, six months, a full year -- and feel as if I truly know them, the only rational conclusion I can make is that that person has no depth. You can anticipate a person's reactions and even finish their sentences, but there are some aspects of everyone's lives that they tend to keep to themselves. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has their dark moments. Different circumstances can bring out a side to someone you love that you never thought you'd see. I don't believe it's possible to know someone completely.

In all brutal honesty, I don't think I'd want to know someone (other than God) who knows me that well. I would be horrified to even know myself that well. I don't want to know the evil I am capable of, the decisions I could make in the future that may completely contradict the values I have now.

What are the factors that determine how well we can know one another? Is it time? Proximity? The way we act around others? How many facets can be attached to a single human life?

This is what I love and hate about biographies. All my favorite historical figures have been dead for centuries; all that is available for me to 'know' them are the words of historians, and each one takes a different view of a person's life and accomplishments. The only way to represent your identity in a way that is accurate is if you write your own life story (which is what I am in the process of doing...very, very slowly...).

If you don't, better be prepared for people to completely misunderstand everything you want to be known for.

You will not be able to know me, or anyone, just by looking at my book collection.

You will not know me by the contents of my iPod or my poetry.

You will not even think you know me by my religious beliefs.

I don't know the best way to get to know anyone. But all I know for sure is that no one remains static and unchanging. You can never really be surprised by the things that people do, and the choices that they make, because everyone is capable of anything.

The End of an Era

Graduation from Hudson High School, class of 2007:

And graduation now, Kent State class of 2011:

Unfortunately, the registrars office still thinks my middle name is Elizabeth. My name was listed "Sarahbeth E. Caplin" in the commencement booklet, which means there's a 90% chance it will be wrong on my diploma when I get it by mail (grrrr!).

I wonder when it will finally sink in that I'm done with school (till grad school, that is). I have no idea what will happen once the summer Leadership Training in Colorado is done. I'm too young to be an official big kid!