What singleness has taught me

I have heard almost every cliche in the book about singlehood. But here is what I have learned about cliches...they have to be true enough times in order to become over-used and Hallmark-worthy. And in the nature of relationships, actions without a genuine heart behind them don't always result in the kind of satisfaction we crave.

I've had this little blue note card for several years now, since the beginning of high school (now that feels like a million years ago). It has multiple Bible verses on patience and perseverance, and promises that God will fulfill the desires of our hearts if we learn to be content in him first, and that the moment we stop looking for love, that is the moment it will come to us. It was given to me by a good friend with the best of intentions, and for many years, I fully believed the words on that card. I lived by them. I genuinely did not believe that God would show me the person I was meant to be with if I did not learn to be...cue the inevitable gags...content in my singleness first.

In other words, I started to accept I might as well be single for life.

I don't think the advice on that little card is bad. There is some validity in learning to be content in your current circumstances to prepare for the future, and I have heard stories time and time again from people who swear that the moment they decided to swear off the entire male species, viola! There Mr. Right appeared.

It seemed, as you may already be thinking, a little too good to be true. And in many ways, it is.

The attitude of "doing nothing" -- no chasing, no Facebook stalking, no making the first move -- is found in many women's magazines as well as many churches. The point is that women typically (though certainly not in every case) want to be pursued. It's the "man's job." And it seems that the inevitable result of soaking up that advice is a lot of restless pining and senseless wishing, not really doing anything productive with our time...because as much as we remind ourselves it's all worthwhile, the reality is that we do not care at all to better ourselves. We're just doing whatever it takes to get the man.

And it was that defeatist attitude that sank me low enough to believe it would never happen for me. Sure, there is more independence in singlehood, I guess, but it hardly seemed fulfilling when compared to the thought of a relationship. I would pray all the right things, to make the most of this "dry season," but all the while I'd be thinking in the back of my mind "I've been enduring this *cough cough* patiently God, now can you send someone to love me??"

And his answer was: "Nope. Not yet. Keep waiting." Grrrrrrrrrr.

It was the right advice, though. Because eventually I reached a point where I wasn't content, per se, in my circumstances, I just gave up trying to change them. I committed myself to two things for the year I'd spend at home before grad school: going to church, and all the other churchy things that entails, and finding a job. I threw myself into those tasks, expecting to grow in perseverance and my worst enemy, patience. That mission became my biggest priority.

Barely three months at home, my circumstances changed completely. I still feel undeserving and I am still in disbelief, but I am so, so incredibly grateful.

But I have realized something very crucial. I don't think I would be fully prepared for this new stage of my life if not for the following truth: no human being is capable of satisfying the longings we feel. Furthermore, complete and ultimate satisfaction that doesn't lack for anything is just not available on this side of heaven. It can't be, because circumstances on earth are too temporary. We can't know what will happen tomorrow or even in the next few minutes, and if we base our happiness on something that can be taken from us (even if that taking is involuntary, like by accident or illness), then what will we have when it's gone? What happens to our identity then?

I may want to eat these words someday, but from where I am right now, I honestly believe I can handle almost anything once I have grasped this fact: that no blessing I am given in this life is a right; it is a privilege. And if, for whatever reason, it is taken from me before I can learn to appreciate it fully, I will accept the joy of knowing that I had been given a gift...and the God I serve is not a one-blessing-per-lifetime kind of guy. The cool part is, those blessings have absolutely nothing to do with my own good deeds! They are all unmerited favor!

A gift or a blessing is not the same as a promise: only the promise is permanent. And that promise is this...

I am the bread of life. He who comes to me shall never hunger, and he who believes in my shall never thirst. John 6:35