Author of the moment, do I end up happy?

Resolution #7: Never take any blessing for granted.

Even after everything I've learned this last year about pursuing joy in all circumstances, I'm still afraid to completely  let go and be happy already. I'm afraid of feeling something that's real, and then having it slip away from me and end up being worse off than before. With happiness comes a certain vulnerability.

But then I think, what if I could let go just for today? My circumstances could change tomorrow, or even in the next hour...there is no guarantee that they won't. So what, exactly, am I waiting for?

I should be taking in all the good moments that I can. If I don't fully enjoy my life, then I am wasting it. What do I have to gain by being so paranoid? I find myself praying more for strength and perseverance through difficult times than simply praising God for everything amazing in my life.

So long as I keep reminding myself that everything I have is a gift, and not a right, I think I can remain balanced. I am not entitled by any means to a well-paying job, material possessions, a master's degree...I may have earned many things, but I am not defined by them. This is a world where I am summed up by a resume, personality, and appearance. If none of those things are indestructible -- and they aren't -- then clearly I need to seek happiness in something that is.

I'm always concerned that my lifestyle doesn't match the convictions I claim to live by. I always feel like I can do more. I beat myself up too much for things that aren't always my fault (or not 100% my fault, I should say). I just want...stability. But the more I pray for it, the more chaotic my life becomes.

With that I say to you, 2012...bring it. I can take whatever you can dish out and then some. Really :)