Someone You Already Know: chapter sneak peak

This is my favorite chapter in the book, a conversation about who society is more unfair to: men or women?

     I decide to take the risk and see what happens. “I’m sort of having a fight with Elisabeth.”

     He raises an eyebrow. “Oh?”

     I stare deeply into my cup. It’s easier to be honest without making eye contact. “Yeah. She was involved with this guy for a while, and she broke up with him because she says he didn’t treat her right. I guess I just don’t understand…I mean, if he was as bad as she says, why didn’t she leave him sooner? She’s a smart girl, you know?”

     “Ahh.” I look up and see that he doesn’t look about to run away. He actually seems captivated. “Well, I don’t know anything about the workings of the female psyche. So I won’t hazard a guess for why she didn’t leave him. Not to defend this guy if he really was a jerk, but being the guy in a relationship is a lot harder than women think it is.”

     I feel my defenses tightening, and for a split second I wonder why in the world I thought talking to him was a good idea. But I can’t help it; I’m intrigued by his statement. “Really? Enlighten me, because in my experience, women are the ones who are unfairly judged and labeled when they don’t deserve it.” 

     Wow. I actually sound like I’m defending Elisabeth now. What is going on here?

     Trevor leans forward. “I have an older brother who went out with this girl he met at an animal rights rally. She was a feminist; a real piece of work, in my opinion. No offense. Anyway, she was really defensive about anything Thomas would do for her that was nice: holding doors open, pulling chairs out, helping her with her coat. Stuff I always thought you were supposed to do. But Kelly…man, she really hated when he’d do that. They broke up after two months because she was so radical, and I know my brother is a good guy.” 

     He shook his head. “I think it’s sad and funny the way women expect men to treat them with respect, but never give them a chance to do so because the media conditions them to assume we’re all predators. I’ve held doors open for women and gotten yelled at for it, because you know, they’re more than capable of opening their own doors. That’s actually what happened the night of that party. I saw a girl struggling to get through the door here at Starbucks with an armload of books, and she chastised me for treating her like she was made of china when I offered to help. So that’s why I was such a jerk to you that night. I was really angry.”

     And here I thought that my issues would scare him off. I feel like I should be angry by his assertion that most men are misunderstood. I feel like I should be telling him to spend a day in my shoes, see how the tables are turned.

     Surprisingly, I am calm and curious. “Okay, so maybe men are unfairly judged at times. But as a male, the world isn’t a scary place for you as it is for women. We live in a world where a woman is blamed if she’s attacked while walking alone and wearing a skirt, because ‘she should have known better.’ It’s not the same…”

     “Looks like men and women are both victims of injustice then. All of humanity sucks. Let’s drink to that!”

     I laugh, in spite of myself. “You know, maybe you’re right.”

     His smile morphs into a straight line suddenly. “Regarding Elisabeth…” He stares into his lap, and wrings his hands uncomfortably. “If women are taught to assume the worst about men – because you know, we’re all bad guys – well, the way her boyfriend treated her wouldn’t have shocked her much, would it? She probably thought whatever he did was normal. Think about it.”

     Once again, he leaves me speechless. He stands up before I can think of how to respond. “My break is over,” he informs me. With that, he places a tentative hand on my shoulder that actually felt caring, not threatening. “We’re not all bad guys, Katherine,” he said. “I think most of us are assholes only when prompted to be. Not by default.”

     I’m still speechless as he re-ties his apron and returns behind the counter.

The cry of a conservative: not all of us are schmucks

First, a preface: I think I finally found a church!

Admittedly, I've been using my church in Kent, h2o, as the measuring stick every time I went shopping for one. Nothing will ever compare, of course, but I feel much more at home in a small, humble church plant. Especially when it's made up of staff who aren't afraid to admit they have no clue what they're doing just yet...as opposed to a super huge mega-church with mosh pits and amphitheaters.

Also a plus: 3/4 of the congregation is made up of seminary students, so fitting in was no problem when I recognized many faces already. During a "welcome to Denver" dinner last night, one of the pastors outlined the goals he has in mind for this new church. Somewhere in the middle of this talk, he stopped speaking. I was too engrossed in my sandwich to realize it was because he was crying.

This guy broke down in tears when explaining the mission of this new church: to minister to the community. To be Jesus to those who are lost. We are not a church that exists just so we can learn to be better Christians, like many other churches in the area. His heart just broke when he talked about that.

And I realized something about myself: I don't think my heart has ever literally snapped in two over "the lost." Rather, I just get angry. Does that make me a "bad" Christian? Perhaps an overly opinionated one (hardly anyone who knows me will dispute that). Still a tad prideful as well. Here is why:

I came from an environment where it was "cool" to be liberal. Yet the same people who prided themselves on being open-minded are actually some of the most intolerant people I've ever met. A former co-worker I'll call Steve made this post on Facebook today: 

oh im sorry what? the bible was written by whom? and in what language? who deciphered it? and why do you think all the answers lie in one book?

These are great questions; it's just too bad they were asked in a bitter, critical tone. The sad irony is, if I were to make a similar comment about his or any "liberal" person's beliefs, I'd be called a bigot faster than I can think to say "Jesus loves you."

That's an extremely broad generalization. But I think we all know at least a handful of people who fit this description in some way or another.

This isn't a rant about so-called Christian persecution in the United States. Rather, it's an issue of the pot picking fights with the kettle, not realizing they're both black. Because some Christians are more than guilty of being judgmental and closed-minded in ways that make Jesus cry.

Save the criticism for those Christian conservatives. Not the whole lot of them.

I respect those who can frame their disagreements in respectable, intelligent ways. I can't help but feel righteous anger toward those who champion open-mindedness to everyone *except* those who happen to be more conservative. I think of what I've learned in seminary thus far: the lessons in biblical context, the culture of the time period in which the Bible was written, the values of the day that made Jesus' parables so gosh-darn scandalous.

It makes me angry that some people are content to form their opinions on stereotypes, and not the truth.

I promise you, not all of us are schmucks. But at least give us a chance to prove it.

Someone you already know on "Someone You Already Know"

For a while now I've been trying to come up with a title that aptly describes the content of this blog. I think I've finally found one! We'll see if I still like it in a week.

Already one person has bought and finished my new book...okay, so this person happens to be a close friend (close enough to ask me to be one of her bridesmaids, anyway!). Honoring the code of Best-Friend's-Manship, she was honest about what she thought. She liked it...but had some questions about plot issues that weren't quite resolved. I'd like to explain those issues here.

First of all, this is a book about "real life," so naturally, not everything is resolved neatly in the end. I won't give away spoilers, but I will just say that the conclusions we are looking for often take time, and to include that time in a single novel would require lots of filler pages describing all the things we do (or don't do) that are mundane and impractical because we are waiting for something to happen. I created two characters who are done with waiting for things to happen: waiting for justice, waiting for people to change. So I don't make them suffer like the reader would suffer if I made everything end neatly.

In one chapter, the character Katherine sporadically decides to go by a different name (unofficially). She says "Call me Kate," but nothing further comes of that. She is not called Kate by any of the characters for the rest of the book. Why is that?

This scene happens after she is trying on a new hat; a replacement for the old one that was once her trademark. It's the same style of hat, but a different color. In essence, she is putting on a new identity, and as I of all people would know, sometimes starting over means re-inventing yourself, and for some, that could mean a name change. Even if that name change is only a nickname.

But as my friend pointed out, the name change doesn't stick. This is to show that starting over isn't as simple as changing your surroundings, or trying to be somebody else. The past follows the person who was there. The long-term issues that need to be dealt with don't just disappear because we want to. For anyone who has been through something awful and is trying to start new, there are moments in between "Trapped in oblivion" and "The new normal" that give us hope. There are moments of happiness that are fleeting, but enough to encourage us to keep going. The thought of being someone else as a form of escape is enticing...but it isn't always realistic. Eventually, hopefully, we will learn that who we are should not change with our circumstances. But the convictions we gain from them do. We are more than what life throws at us.

So, I hope that made a bit of sense. And I hope you won't be afraid to ask me any questions that you have, or maybe leave some customer feedback on Amazon? That would be great! (And yes, this time I published in paperback AND e-reader format!).

The impending birth of book two!

It's officially October...that means my book is almost here! Still no official release date yet, but you can pre-order directly from the publisher. It will be on Amazon and in e-book format soon!

For the first time I'm actually thankful for the new Facebook timeline format, because it's a perfect place to post my new banner:

This is a quote from the back cover, which should technically read "Revealing, important truths that every woman needs to know." What a difference a little punctuation can make! But that's still accurate (can you tell how strongly and passionately I feel about this message?). And, if you're just as excited about defeating rape culture as I am, you can join my Facebook group!

After this comes out, my next "published" writings will be blog posts from now on. Grad school is completely taking over my life. But I will always have time to promote the messages in this book, not because I love to see my name in print, but because this is a subject that affects EVERYONE. Sexual abuse is more common than most of us would like to believe, and it's quite fitting that this book is being released during Domestic Violence Month. It would mean a lot to me if people could post their feedback in the form of a customer review on Amazon after reading, regardless of whether you loved or hated it. If it was too triggering, say so. Part of me honestly hopes that it is, just a little bit, because we need to be disturbed by this in order to advocate against it. Writing it was an integral part of healing for me, I hope those who read it feel the same.