Continuing the humility project

Summary of grad school so far: burnout happens.

I'm not quite at the point of being so busy that I want to tear my hair out, but I know my time is short when a novel I haven't read yet goes untouched for over two weeks, even though I want to read it. I've forgotten what it's like to be staring at words all day, so all I want to do after class is something that doesn't require me to think: like watch movies. Play the "Who do I know from high school who's getting married?" game. Play with my roommate's kitties. Anything but reading!

It's surprisingly difficult that the books I have to read for class are mostly all Bible commentaries...and then, of course, there's the Bible itself. Who would have thought that one day I'd be assigned Scripture readings for homework? I'm definitely not at Kent State anymore. I am "required" to read Scripture for reasons I'd normally never think to, like to make note of linguistic patterns and cultural nuances. It's tempting to mentally check that off my to-do list as killing two birds with one stone; got my homework and my "quality time" with God done for the day. But I know that's not how it works. Reading the Bible to learn is not always the same as reading it to get closer to Jesus. You'd think it's possible to do both, but not all the time.

My attempt to learn how to walk in humility has been...well, humbling. Most people here know me as Beth, and I don't feel as much pressure to stand out, because I'm not competing for anything or trying to impress anybody. I'm here to learn, and I'm here to start over. What's the point of starting over if you bring everything you're known for back home with you? I'm referring to the old me who had to prove she was worth something through her relationships, her accomplishments, and her "unique" testimony.

It's hard though, being in seminary, and listening to gentile professors talk about the Old Testament. I confess that I am a bit of a snob when it comes to hearing other Christians talk about what I always considered to be "my book." There's a self-righteous part of me that must resist the temptation to snicker when a classmate refers to "us" (everyone in a particular lecture) as being "grafted" into the Jewish family tree. It's difficult not to be that annoying person who raises her hand with a snotty-sounding "Excuuuuuse me" whenever someone butchers a Hebrew word.

Actually, just today, one professor asked the class "How many people learned about the Old Testament growing up?" I had to fight the urge to say: "How many people only had the Old Testament growing up?" But I didn't, because everyone has a class with that one person who always has something snarky to say, and I don't want that person to be me.

That's all a big part of my commitment to humility: not using my testimony as some kind of bragging right. Once I was done hiding from it, I made sure people knew about it in both campus ministries I've been a part of. Why? Because the assumption that I was raised in the church like "everybody else" seemed so dull to me. But I don't need that kind of attention here. I will share my testimony when it's relevant, not to "compete" with anyone.

For someone who's always wanted to be famous, though, it's easier said than done.

But that's why I'm here, isn't it? To learn. And not just academically :)