Two checks for Bucket Item #1!

So much craziness in what feels like such a short time...grad school has officially begun!

As is the tradition of higher education, the first three days have consisted of reviewing the syllabi and class expectations, so I can't give a review of how classes are just yet. Thankfully, my classes are too big for those awkward, first-day icebreaker games. Unfortunately, my classes are too big to feel like I can really get to know anybody (save for Biblical Hebrew, which has only five people in it, but we're not supposed to speak much English in that class). So, updates on that will have to come later.

Now, I have bigger news. Halo Publishing likes my new manuscript, and wants to publish it!! That makes two self-published books in one year, and one very, very broke graduate student. Trust me, I do not intend to make this a habit; the plan is still to get my name on the New York Time's best-seller's list so I won't have to keep paying for self-publication. I can imagine the responses already...is she serious? Is the expense really worth it? I believe the answer is yes, and no, it's not just to have the glory of seeing my name in print once again.

The same day I received an acceptance email from Halo, I de-friended from Facebook a college friend who "joked" about going to rape his wife. Believe me, I like jokes as much as the next normal person; but threats of violence are not joke material (as discussed in my analysis of Daniel Tosh's tasteless comedic comments of a similar vein). This is why the new book had to be written: because rape culture is a wide-spread epidemic that affects even the most well-intentioned people.

Just for the record, I don't believe my friend really intended to rape his wife; but that he thinks the idea is worthy of a few chuckles is enough to prove my point. The jokes, the laughs, and the trivialization of rape don't cause it to happen. Only the rapist is responsible for rape, but making fun of it just makes it extremely difficult for victims to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, this is the sort of thing that is hard to understand unless you or someone close to you has experienced it.

So, will my little novel really make much of an impact? I don't know. I'd like for it to at least bring comfort to those who have survived assault of any kind, and give them hope. I'd like readers to come away with a better understanding of what consent is and what it isn't; that there is no such thing as 'asking for it' with clothing alone; and that it's not at all unusual to still have feelings for someone who hurt you like that, because most of us want to believe the best about people, and feelings don't come with a light switch.

There is so much I could go on about, but maybe it's better to save it for the press :) There is no official release date yet, but I will post information as soon as I find out!

(Oh, and I do recall promising some mountain pictures. This isn't the best one, but it's from my beloved Estes Park):

Where I ought to be and when

Three days and 1300 miles later, I have finally arrived in glorious Colorado!! And today, after finishing all my unpacking and driving my mother to the airport, I made my first "pilgrimage" of sorts back to Estes Park, where I spent my summer last year. Unfortunately, I didn't plan it very well, as the weather no longer looks as promising as it did when I first got here. So while I have satisfied my Kind Coffee withdrawal, I may not make it back to the Y today. But, there are 11 more days before my semester begins. So perhaps another day...

At no other time did I think to myself "SB, you're not in Ohio anymore" than when I made the drive up here. After picking out the perfect playlist and setting my cruise control to 80, it was just me and mountains, mountains, mountains for two glorious hours.

Oh, did I mention there were lots of mountains?

Almost immediately, I felt something close to that freedom I've been craving for so long. Hope feels real again...it's something I don't quite know how to explain, except that it's way more than a fleeting feeling of happiness. It makes me realize just how necessary all the spiritual and emotional stretching of last summer was.

Still, it feels strange to be back here again. There are lots of memories here, and not all of them good. But what is waiting for me here is much preferable than what I am leaving behind (everything but the people I love most in Ohio, that is). I look down at my "Choose Joy" tattoo, my souvenir from the last time I was here, and realize that I am a different kind of "joyful Christian" than what the culture projects. The joy that I am discovering is far from a light, bubbling over kind, though I do have that from time to time.

On a normal day, the joy I have is more of a quiet, contemplative sort. It's not loud, it's not boastful, or immediately visible. Another thing I don't quite have words to explain. I can offer one analogy: the feeling you get after eating a warm bowl of soup on a cold winter day; a calming, settling feeling. Maybe that's a tad cliche, but it's all I can come up with for now.

The more I see of this place, the more profoundly aware I am of how much I've been blessed. I have a beautiful condo for the amazing price of $300 a month; I have an awesome roommate with two precious kitties I am quickly learning to love (even if it makes me miss my own kitty in Ohio that much more). I haven't been here a week, yet I already have a job. While I'm slightly afraid of how I'll keep up with the academic rigor of grad school, I feel much more at peace now than I ever have before. Life is surprisingly good. I'm almost afraid to put it in writing because I'm very superstitious, but the more days pass by, the more I see that it's true. It's okay to actually admit it every once in a while!

Sooner or later, I will post some pictures. In the meantime, I'm going to wait out this rain from the haven of Estes Park's best coffee house and catch up on some more writing.

Fill the glass, these last few days have gone so fast

So this is it, then. This move is about to happen. All my belongings are packed and now my biggest struggle is to smoosh it all in my tiny little Mazda.

Oh and when I say "belongings," what I really mean is "books." Four giant shelves worth, all divided by genre: Religion, history, fiction, and miscellaneous. They are the most precious items I own. Is that sad? What non-readers fail to understand is that there are pieces of my life in all of these books: from childhood heroes to the ones that kept me up at night sobbing, these books are like my children. The thought of leaving ANY of them behind is appalling. So I will take the chance of adding another 100 pounds to my vehicle. But I will still make plenty of room for my roommate:

I said to Pippa, "Wiggle your nose if you're excited for Denver!" Nose-wiggling ensued. I take that as a good sign :)

Now comes the part where I freak out about all the things you'd expect of someone who is literally packing up her life and moving it to an unfamiliar place...will all my crap fit in my car? Can I make it all the way across the country without my engine crapping out on me again? And then there are the "long term" fears: how the heck am I going to pay back all these loans?! Will I be able to find a job? Is this really the right school? What the heck am I doing?!?!?

But nothing feels as scary as starting something brand new. That, and leaving behind the most amazing guy I've ever known...but, if all goes according to plan, I'll be seeing him in Denver next year. So many changes in such little time. Who can keep up? If I didn't obsessively journal every detail over the last few months I would hardly believe that any of this has happened. I'd still think I'm too scared and too lazy to leave my suburban Ohio box.

So here's to venturing off into the big world of grad school and real adulthood. To learning how to cook with more than just a microwave. To figuring out a monthly budget and actually sticking to it. To stop being a whiny baby about going to the gym. To budgeting not just my money, but also my time, so I can actually study...and maybe finish my book in the process.

Last but not least, here's to leaving the past behind and starting over. To taking advantage of the mountains and re-learning how to ski. And making new friends.

To Colorado we go!!!