In a few days it will be the six month-iversary of the legalization of my name. It's a key part of my testimony I can't leave out. It's a reminder I have a very strange, unusual history, but I didn't write it, God did. I am a weird but unique individual.
The briefest explanation I give to people when they find out is that I have hated my name my entire life, which is not a lie. It was frustrating having 5 other girls turn around at the same time whenever my name was called. To this day, I still cringe when new parents bestow common, un-unique names on their babies. But really, the reason goes far deeper than that, and it's not always appropriate to share that reason with each and every curious person.
God showing up in people’s lives like a stranger on their doorstep is not an uncommon theme in the Bible. In Genesis 12, God said to Abraham, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.” God made a covenant with him and promised that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars. In Scripture, such drastic life changes usually warrant a name change, to reflect the significance of these changes. Abram’s name was changed to Abraham, meaning “father of many,” and his wife Sarai (my namesake) became Sarah, meaning “God’s princess.”
Similarly, I knew I was going to emerge from my baptism as a new creation. I just went a step further than most people and drew a literal separation between my old self and new self with the replacement of my social security card. There are times when I feel disgusted by my old self. Maybe it's a little schizophrenic to refer to my old self as "her" or "she" and not "me," but whatever. In my mind, and in the eyes of the state, they are two different people.
Legally, Sarah Elizabeth Caplin no longer exists, for which I am glad. God doesn't remember anything of my previous life, therefore neither will I...except I know I always will. She's still a part of me, whether I like it or not. She made huge, life-altering mistakes, but she's still a part of my story. She gave in to peer pressure and cultural expectations, she got screwed over by someone who was supposed to love her...but I won't screw her over again by acting like she doesn't exist. I wish I could, but doing so would be morally reprehensible.
Understandably, I hate being called Sarah. Hardly anyone but my parents call me that anymore, and turning around every time I hear that name being called is no longer an instinctual response. But she's still with me. And reconciling the two sides of me will be a life-long process.
As for whether I'll change my name again if I get married...who knows. I'm not feeling called to marriage as much as I used to be, but if it happens, I'm leaning toward keeping my maiden name, and maybe "assuming" my hypothetical husband's last name, sans paperwork. Replacing all your old IDs is expensive! But, no sense worrying about it now. Ask me again if/when it actually happens :)
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