If I could change my name again...

So here I am again. I feel like I keep running around in circles, hoping to find a satisfactory solution, but in the end nothing changes. And it's extremely frustrating.

I had no idea how hard it would be for the average person to grasp the concept of two first names as one. I know it's a trend down south, but I am a yankee through and through, and would never be able to stand the hot, humid, snow-less environment of a place like Texas where everyone has two names. So that leaves me with two options: keep on owning the name I created, or give in to convention and change it, again. Only this time, I'd make it something impossible to screw up. I'd just be Beth indefinitely, maybe legally (since I'll have to change my last name when I get married, might as well do it then, if that's what I decide).

I'm beyond annoyance. I'm just tired. Really tired. And disappointed. A few months ago I wrote about my "humility project" where I'd go by Beth to stifle my un-ending battle with pride. The people who know me best know how I've always wanted to be "different," to stand out in a crowd and be remembered. That's all well and great to a point, but for me, it lead to quitting ballet at the age of six and taking up figure skating instead, so I wouldn't have to share the stage with anyone. It lead to coming home from school one day in tears and yelling at my parents when a teacher thought it would be cute to seat all four Sarahs of the class at one table, and in college, when a professor labeled us Sarah 1, 2, and 3.

So you can see, I've always had "identity issues." A desire to be unique is great, but for me it was an idol. Clearly, that's not healthy. Especially because I claim to be a Christian; I'm supposed to be humble. Who was more humble than Jesus? He didn't do miracles to draw attention to himself, so people would think he was cool. All the glory he got was directed back to his Father. Me? I'd soak up as much of that glory and fame as I could. Not exactly Christ-like.

But, as my closest friends know, the name change wasn't *just* about "being different." It was my choice after being baptized; to literally take on a new identity, and separate that from the old. It was a fresh start. Unfortunately for me, I didn't think it through as well as I should have. I never anticipated the problems my new name would create, from the spelling ("Is there an h or no h? Is it hyphenated?") to having to introduce myself twice. It's exhausting and I'm starting to regret my choice, but at this point in my life, what can I do? Especially now that I've been published.

The more I think about it, the more I long for something plain and simple. Who cares about being "different" anymore: all I care about now is being different from who I was before Christ, before my baptism. At the same time, Sarahbeth is an expression of my creativity, something I made up myself...and it's okay to be proud about that. But for the number of times people have asked me "Why go through all that legal trouble for four extra letters?" perhaps they are right. I set myself up, and while I'd like to think that most people are just "too dumb" to catch on, the reality is that I chose to make it complicated. I wouldn't be nearly as offended by being called Sarah if not for what the name represents to me. I don't have good memories attached to it, to say the least.

This concludes the latest episode of Sarahbeth Thinks Too Much.God bless you if you actually finished the whole thing.