Financial responsibility according to Jesus

Of course nothing in my life goes smoothly all at once. Shocking, right?

I am now a statistic, just one of the millions of college grads out there in need of a full-time job to pay the bills. Actually, the only bill I need money to pay for right now is my credit card bill. Everything else...well, such is the privilege of living at Hotel Mom and Dad. Some essentials, like food and rent, are gladly paid for. Go ahead and judge me if you want. At least I can have my cat for a few more months before I come up with some way to get the heck out of this town.

I miss having regular hours. I miss having cash in my pocket. As I am lamenting my sad, sad situation, I get a letter in the mail. It's from a girl in my Bible Study group, asking for financial support for a mission trip to Amsterdam next spring. A trip I really really really wanted to go on, but alas, it costs money I do not have.

So I'm a little jealous of her right now...pathetically so, since I have been to Europe more times than most people I know. But still. I am jealous. And, at first, a tad resentful. When it was my turn to raise support for a church trip, my first thought toward the whole process was, How can I, a broke college grad, ask other broke college grads to give me money?? I didn't want to do it, but I sent a few support letters for my summer in Colorado. I didn't get many responses. But, as God would have it, my Jewish grandparents ended up funding the rest of the support money I needed to go. My Jewish grandparents. For a Christian leadership program! Clearly, my God knows how to take care of people in ways they least expect.

Meanwhile, I vented to Josh the other day "This whole year is turning out to be a total waste! What's the point of taking a year off from school if I'm just sitting on my butt drinking coffee at Scribbles all day not making any money?!"

He just stared at me. "So, uh...you mean the whole year was a waste? Really?"

I realize what I've just said, and immediately backtrack. "I mean, financially speaking. Obviously this year isn't a complete waste, since I met you and all..." Luckily I didn't have to explain myself too much, since he knew what I really meant ;) But still, I am more than a little upset at how this year is not what I thought it would be. Then again, as Josh rightly pointed out, it has also turned out to be a year of unexpected gifts...so I guess I can't complain too much :)

With that in mind, I decided to rethink the whole support-raising situation for my friend. I know how stressful it is to try and tactfully ask people for money. No matter how much you stress that it's for a good cause, the bottom line is, you are still asking people for money. It's not an easy thing to do. But I know the importance of this trip. I know there will be some sight-seeing involved, but I know that the greater purpose of it is to bring a much-needed message to a spiritually impoverished nation in need of hope.

I have exactly twenty dollars in my wallet right now. All I really plan to spend it on is coffee. If I give my friend my last twenty dollars, I pray that God will use that act of giving not just to help her be able to go to Amsterdam, but to teach me a lesson on faithfulness as well. I'm not expecting to give my friend money and have God reward me by dropping a check with the amount for a whole semester of grad school tuition right out of the sky. I know He doesn't work that way. But what I do expect is that He will use my donation to show me that there are plenty of people more in need than I am, and if I can use what He's given me to help them, then surely He will use whatever resources he sees fit to take care of my needs as well.

It seems like such an archaic thing to do...to trust an invisible being with my financial needs. But, as one friend of mine pointed out earlier today, how can I trust God with my eternal salvation, but not with smaller things like money? I guess, when put that way, my fears don't make much sense.

And with that, I enclose my last twenty dollars to my beautiful, passionate, wonderful sister in Christ, Anna Michelle. I pray your trip is life-changing and full of surprises :)

Dissecting the Infamous Cliche

I confess...I am about as cliche as they come. All English-major knowledge aside, I am such a sucker for them. Maybe I'm a true romantic, maybe I'm cheesy, maybe I'm flat-out ridiculous...most likely all of the above. How often do you have to say something before it becomes just another expression to be stowed in a generational vault?

It makes me wonder, then, for all its many uses and contexts, how "I love you" never seems to get old.

"I miss you" still means your presence is notably absent.

Can we ever say these things too much?

Maybe we can. Maybe we need to start considering how our actions line up with these words.

Maybe love is accepting that chivalry has merely been forgotten, not killed. It just needs to be brought back.

Maybe caring for someone is more than offering practical advice, but refusing to cringe when they cry so hard that their snot gets all over your shirt. Because what ordinary person can handle someone at their worst, and consequently appreciate them more at their best?

It's easy to love and care for those who show the same qualities to you...anyone can do that. It doesn't take any extraordinary talent or depth of character. But loving others who look at you as someone who isn't good enough to even be the scum on the bottom of their sneakers...that's real love. It's often mistakenly labeled as insanity or even codependency. But so many of us are afraid to put ourselves out there, to be chewed up and spit back out.

I have a better understanding of what this looks like having been a waitress, believe it or not. I don't want to be someone who bends over backwards for customers who treat me like a lower-class citizen because I'm desperate for a tip, and don't want them calling my manager on me. I want to be someone who willingly -- maybe someday, when I'm a little more mature, even joyfully -- serves others because I understand how much of a chore it is for others to love the worst in me.

And of course I am well aware of what the worst of me looks like. Denying it won't hide its existence. But accepting that fact about me makes it a little bit easier to take the baby steps toward forgiving someone for even the most vile of offenses...because my own disgust for the weaknesses of other people doesn't make me any better.

This is my cliched sermonette for the evening :)

And this is the guy who has reminded me that chivalry is still alive and well:

Whoever came up with the idea for ugly Christmas sweater parties is a genius. I'm kind of a sucker for those too.

All the many roads we took to get here

I think often of how certain events in my life don't seem to make sense, yet somehow they connect like puzzle pieces in ways I never expected. It happens often over the course of several years. All my journals are proof of this, and that is why I hold on to them, even the embarrassing ones :)

I meet and talk to a lot of people who feel discouraged that so many of their prayers go unanswered. I blame the "fast" society that we live in, where everything is instantaneous. You don't even have to get out of your car to return library books anymore (at least not in my home town, you don't). We're so used to -- entitled, even -- to having the things we want happen when we want them to, and God forbid we have to be patient, well, then maybe it just isn't worth it (yes, I realize the irony that this is coming from me, the most impatient person in the world. I accept this. What can I say, I am a work in progress!).

When I first became a Christian three years ago, I wrestled with the whole "sharing your faith" (or whatever you want to call it) aspect of it. I didn't understand it. I mean, we all know and despise bible thumpers. I grew up Jewish, I have been thumped by many a bible in my time. But I misunderstood the concept. It's not about converting people. It's about sharing a message of hope, but only with those who are willing and ready to hear it.

I naturally assumed this would be my worst struggle with Leadership Training in Colorado this summer. I knew it would be uncomfortable. But then, in March of my senior year, I ended a destructive relationship I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I had to be broken -- I knew that's what God was doing -- to understand "Oh, okay, so this message of hope that I'm supposed to be preaching actually has some purpose to it." I mean, why go through your life hating yourself, feeling worthless because the guy you love hurts you and is now with someone else, when you can survive and thrive instead? Not really a complicated choice, is it? Well, it was when I realized that finding my purpose means falling apart first. Only Jesus is the answer for the healing I needed. I don't care if people disagree with me. I'm still gonna offer it anyway, the same way other people would recommend counseling, ice cream, and Oprah.

So the evangelism training for LT became less of a big deal than it was before; instead, healing was my top priority. And, lo and behold, sharing my faith became easier, because I had motivation for it that was more genuine than simply "I'm a Christian and I have to do this." Broken people are the best ministers to other broken people, I think. And so far, I think it's quite effective. As I said, I'm not on a mission to convert anybody. I'm just sharing what I'm learning, and how it's changing my life for the better.

So fast forward to this fall semester: I surprised myself by voluntarily participating in my church's outreach program. We basically go around surveying people about their spiritual beliefs (if they want to). We've had some really good conversations so far. If nothing else, we've proven that not all Christians have an agenda to boost the number of congregants in their churches and put more money in the collection plate.

Anyway...long story short...it is because of my willingness to push through the awkwardness of talking to strangers in order to share a valuable message that I was in the student center and ran into an old friend...and old friend who, to my great shock, actually ended up becoming more than just a friend...and I am finally starting to remember what happiness feels like again. God has blessed me so much. I don't deserve it, but I am so grateful.

But as rewarding as this journey has been, it didn't happen without unintentionally causing pain to someone else. Someone I still deeply care about, even if he no longer believes it. He has no idea how truly sorry I am. But I am praying that God does healing in his journey too, and someday in the future, all the roads will meet and this craziness of life will actually make some sense.