No one can find the rewind button, girl

You must accept whatever situation the Lord has put you in, and continue on as you were when he first called you. 1 Corinthians 7:17


It was a sad, hard day today...our beloved puppers, Shadow, passed away last night.

She was 13 and a half years old, the equivalent of a 94 year old woman, and in a lot of pain...but she lived the best life possible for a dog, I think. We were considering having her put down at the vet today because she could no longer walk, eat, or hold her, um, bodily fluids, but she died in her sleep around 11 pm last night, surrounded by her family, the way it should have been.

I'm really more of a cat person, but I loved her, and I miss her so much...I can't imagine what it will be like to lose Lucky Mittens. He's 15 already, and I know he's getting up there in cat years. Seriously, anyone who says "Oh big deal, they're just animals" has clearly never had one, and should never be allowed to. They are family, no matter what anyone says.

So a new semester has started already...not that it should make a difference to me. College life continues without me this time, but I find myself wanting to tag along and live the illusion once more. I went to church on campus for the first time in months and wow, there were so. many. freshmen. I have never seen so many freshmen in one room before. And believe it or not, I was actually a little jealous of them.

Unlike high school, I'd be reasonably okay with doing college over again. And no, it's not just because I made some of my biggest mistakes during that time -- those can happen anywhere, at any time. I miss the feeling of having a new clean slate, a chance to be someone new. To make the most of every opportunity and make lasting changes.

I just wish I hadn't waited until my senior year to become comfortable enough in my faith to really live it out on campus. While I'm not completely cut off from my friends, or denied access to new ones, I still feel like I'm shut out in no-man's-land Hudson, which is an absolute dead zone now with hardly anyone my age left in it, and no new dorm neighbors to get to know, or chat with awkwardly as I wait in line for grilled cheese at Rosie's Diner at 3 in the morning.

Grad school is the next best thing to getting a "do over." It won't be until Fall of 2012 for me, but if I end up going to Denver Seminary, it will be a 4-year long program that will, in a sense, be exactly like doing college over again. Only I get to live in a real apartment, and not a dorm. And I'll be in a place where I almost certainly will not run into anyone I know from high school. Of course, the whole "someday fallacy" will most likely come and slap me in the face, but I'll deal with that when it happens. And hopefully I'll be better prepared for it.

In the mean time, I'll try not to get too frustrated when the new freshmen ask me what my major is, or what dorm I'm living in, and then get these shocked looks on their faces when they find out how old I really am, and then the inevitable "So, uh...what are you still doing here?"

No really, that's already happened. Three times. In one evening. *Sigh*

It's my job to fill the mentor role now. Am I mature enough for that?