On Learning Patience

I have a lot of random pet peeves.

Ending sentences with "at." Now even as an English major I never considered myself a grammar nazi, but lately this is grating on my nerves. At work one day:

Customer: "Where the restrooms at?"
Me: "You mean, where are the restrooms?"
Customer: "Yeah, where the restrooms at?"
Me: *Face palm*

Being served water in a restaurant before I get the chance to order my own drink (I then feel obligated to drink it because otherwise it gets wasted. I'm very big on not wasting things).

Being called Sarah (someone recently tried to argue that the name Sarah is "close enough." That's like saying Chinese and Japanese people look the same because they're both Asian).

Lately, what bothers me the most is not having quiet time to read/listen to music (the two activities go hand-in-hand for me). Living at the Y in the Rockies is cool and everything, but the lack of privacy is seriously wearing at my patience. Just when I think I've found a nice, quiet place to chill out, some guy sits two feet away from me and starts Skyping.

Uhh, seriously????

Maybe I'm being unreasonable. I know I don't own any of the Y grounds, so what right do I have to complain? Still, it really irks me that, just as a courtesy to his fellow neighbor, this guy (and others like him) couldn't find another place to talk loudly that wasn't directly next to someone who was trying to concentrate and/or contemplate life.

This is becoming another big stumbling block for me this summer. At least when I'm home, if Starbucks is getting noisy, I have the freedom to get in my car and go somewhere else. Not so much here. I've been praying for more patience, and I'm getting better: now I just give an "Are you kidding me?" stare instead of groaning loudly :D Maybe someday before the summer's over, I'll get to a place where I won't be bothered as much.

Anyway, I feel it's relevant to re-post a story from my former amateur high school blog, written a couple months ago, about getting ticked off by loud people while I'm trying to read, and the interesting ways that God gets my attention when I'm not in the most Christian of moods. It's called "How I Got Pwned by Jesus." Enjoy! :)

To celebrate finishing my first semester of my senior year, I went to Starbucks for a much-deserved peppermint mocha and an unread C.S. Lewis book. As I'm reading, a middle-aged-ish man sits next to me and is having a LOUD phone conversation. Now I'm guilty of having phone calls in coffee shops, but never longer than a minute or so to confirm plans or to find out where someone is. But if you're going to have an in-depth conversation, lasting upwards of half an hour, it would really be best for everyone around you if you could take it outside. Or just not answer your phone.

I'm too nice to say "Hey dude, pipe down before I throw that fancy iphone out the bleeping window!" So instead I stare him down with devil eyes. He doesn't get the message, and it's too crowded to get up and find somewhere else to sit. I'm getting really mad. All I want is to relax with my book and my mocha, and I don't care if people around me are talking, because it's not necessary to YELL at someone sitting next to you the way you'd yell into a phone in a crowded coffee house.

Half a century later, he hangs up and turns to me. I gulp, expecting to get yelled at for staring. But instead he says "Miss, is that a C.S. Lewis book you're reading?"

This is definitely not what I expected. "Yes it is." I show him the cover.
"Interesting. Nice to see young folks reading real books these days." Now I feel a little bad for being rude, even though, in my defense, he was being rude first. It's always nice to prove somebody wrong about the lack of intelligence infecting my generation. I'm okay with him thinking I'm smart But then he continues, "Which one of his books would you recommend to someone who's never read his stuff before?"

"Mere Christianity" I tell him. "That's my favorite." It's also the most common-sense explanation of Christianity I've ever read, one of the first books I'd recommend to a skeptic besides the Bible.

"Huh. You know, I've been interested in faith for a while now. I think I was meant to sit next to you today."

OHHHH. Jesus: Ten points, Sarahbeth: zero. If there had been an available seat I would have gotten up and moved, after one final stare down to make him feel guilty for ruining my zone-out time. But no, as he so eloquently pointed out, he was meant to sit next to me today so I could sing the praises of the greatest theologian of the 20th century, whose book just might help bring this guy to faith.

And that, my friends, is the story of how I got pwned by Jesus.

A Smorgasbord of Life Lessons

"Those He uses greatly, He wounds deeply."

This quote has been on my mind all day today. The seminar from last night was probably the most convicting one so far, because it hit so close to what I'm going through now. It always amazes me that the same attributes of God that draw so many to him can also push so many people away.

There are many people who are disturbed at the idea of a being that is supposed to be loving allowing awful things to happen, and then there are those who see discipline as a sincere act of love. I have heard the metaphor of God being a parental-like figure before, but the idea of parents not loving their children if they refuse to discipline them is interesting to me. No one likes being disciplined, and everyone has different ideas of what proper discipline should be.

I don't think experiencing pain that comes with life is the same as being disciplined, but it all ties in with why God allows bad things to happen in the first place. You would think that it pains him to see his children suffer, and I do believe it does...but when you throw your whole heart into loving someone, you also have to accept the pain that comes with it. And there is always pain in some degree. People we love let us down without meaning to all the time. That isn't cynicism, it's reality.

I am skeptical of anyone who claims to have a "perfect" relationship. You have to be hurt to really know how to love, and that's a lesson I'm still learning, and will be learning for a long, long time. Let me tell you, it sucks more than anything I can imagine. I hate every minute of it, but I know I am meant to brave through this muck to become the woman I need to be.

People have asked me, what is it that draws you to Christianity? There are many things, but here's a big one: the fact that God uses broken, jacked up people to do amazing things. In other religions, you have to prove yourself worthy to have a position of leadership, but the God of the Bible doesn't wait for us to clean up our act before doing miracles in our lives.

Anyone who says that Christianity is all about condemnation and rules has clearly never read scripture. Sarah doubted God's ability to give her a son in her old age, but it was through her offspring that her and Abraham's descandents were "as numerous as the stars." David committed adultery and murder but was refined through repentance and included in the lineage of Christ. The bible is full of screw-ups and low-lives and people who lived on the fringes of society, yet so many of them were used in God's plan of salvation. Because of that, I'm learning that there's really nothing we can do to thwart our ability to be used for the greater good.

I can believe what I say in these posts when I take a little time out of my busy days to get my head on straight and reflect on the truth, but most of the time I feel weary and frustrated and I lose patience so quickly. I suffer from lack of privacy/quiet time and lack of sleep. I hate how deceptive my feelings are; I'm still longing for a deep, consistent joyfulness regardless of how crappy my circumstances might be. I need to fully believe that the truth doesn't change even if my environment does...and even if I do learn that here, I'll probably forget as soon as I return to Ohio.

Best friends and epic mountains, an awesome combination.

And...

The official LT Christians-raised-Jewish club (very exclusive). The hand signal is supposed to be a menorah, even if it looks more like elk antlers. This crazy little group has shown me that God really wants me to be here. You just can't find relationships like these anywhere else :D

Spilling your guts on a mountain top

I'll come out and say it: I want to be famous. Not can't-shop-for-toilet-paper-without-paparazzi-snapping-my-picture kind of famous, though. More like "well known for doing some awesome" kind of famous. Maybe I have some talents, but they aren't anything that the world has never seen before. Maybe I can get some money off of them someday. But when it comes down to it, what I really want is to be famous because I believe I have a story to tell.

I'd like to think I'm funny and pun-ny and maybe some people will say that I am (sometimes I try a little too hard to be that way). There's lots of qualities I have or wish I had when it comes to making lasting impressions, but I am a character in something much bigger than what I am capable of imagining, and my quirky testimony is a brief chapter in it.

I was so nervous and I thought I might puke, because being vulnerable in front of crowds isn't something I do often...but what I love most about "life stories" is that there's almost always something in them that relates to other people's lives as well. I'm grateful to have had the chance to share mine, even if it meant violating a social rule of not telling random people all your junk. Churches are weird because they're supposed to function like families, even if I can never remember the name of the person sitting next to me each week.

It's almost like a trend at LT to be open and honest about your struggles, which is extremely intimidating, but altogether necessary for spiritual growth (so I've heard). Can growth and change be happening even if I can't see/feel it yet? I have 2 more months to figure that out...

Something has changed within me

I've figured out that when three unaffiliated people give me the same advice in one day, that's a sign that I really need to listen (assuming it's actually good advice, anyway).

The advice: To step outside my comfort zone with sharing my "life story" in hopes that it will help other people who may have the same struggles, but are too afraid to talk about them.

I've listened to seminars from people who seem to be talking to me personally. In particular, there was a women's retreat that I went on earlier this year where a woman talked about her struggle to leave an emotionally, physically, and spiritually destructive relationship. Our stories weren't exactly the same, but nonetheless it struck a chord in me because I was experiencing something very similar. Never again will I ever feel depleted from losing someone who was once my everything.

Her story convicted me, and I could not have known that within a week of hearing it, I would be in a position where I would have to put to action the lessons that she taught me. She was an encouragement when I was suffering silently, and that's what I realized I need to do for other people, even if it requires uncovering painful memories I'd rather forget.

I'm not the best at handling changes, drama, or any kind of life-altering events. My first instinct is to rebel. I usually take my frustration out in my journal and on my hair (I'm currently rocking a reddish-black color that is the darkest it's ever been, and it looked a little scary at first, but it shines purple in the sun and now I kinda like it). Handling change in more mature, rational ways is just one of my many goals for this summer.

I think there's a lot of unspoken competition among people to see who has the greater sob story. It sounds completely insane to brag about how much one has suffered in the past, yet people do it because it shows just how strong and brave they are. I've met some Christians who feel inadequate compared to people with testimonies like that because it makes their own seem less interesting and inspiring.

I don't know exactly what counts as a "sob story" because you really can't compare the suffering of other people (and "suffering" is a term I use loosely because, well, who am I to say what really hurts and what doesn't?). There is a lot of pain in my story, but I'm determined not to dwell on it. I'm praying that I will be convicted to share whatever is necessary to let another lonely girl know she's not the only one.

While I normally don't mind talking about myself (snicker, snicker) this time is going to be different. Please pray for me.

I wish I could end every day sitting on a wrap-around porch gazing at sunsets, listening to Phil Wickham's "You're Beautiful." It's one of those rare moments when it's okay to feel small and insignificant...

...because God is bigger than any challenge I will face, any feeling of inadequacy, and every major disappointment. Every day here is different, and I love it. I never want to go back.
Especially when I have an amazing job that lets me goof around...

...and drink bottomless amounts of coffee with my insane but lovable coworkers:

I get paid to do all that, and make the occassional necklace/bracelet/earring set for customers. I also get to schmooze and spin around on rolly chairs. You can't get paid for anything better than this!

When anger is the motivation for good

It sucks to think of life this way, but sometimes the best way to get people to take it seriously is to get royally pissed off.

Pissed off with a righteous anger about needs that are being neglected. Changes that need to be made, but no one is willing to take the first step. Time that is being wasted, and can never be gotten back. Sometimes you need to get angry in order to make something happen.

If I could list every injustice in the world that makes me angry, and dedicated my life to fixing them, I'd go insane. Everyone should care and be furious about children going to bed hungry at night, poor people dying of diseases that are easily curable, and wars that are being fought over differing beliefs. But not everyone's lives are personally affected by those things enough to get off their asses and dedicate their lives to fixing them. Sometimes people need to see and feel things directly in order to do something.

I've thought about this a lot, and here are the things that get me royally PO'd, that are directly related to experiences I've had:

Being stereotyped

Being judged before anyone can get to know you

Developing prejudice against an entire group of people, based off ONE bad encounter with a person who happens to be from said group

When women choose to stay trapped in unhealthy, abusive relationships with men because they truly believe that it's a better alternative to being alone

Men who think they can use said women as a means to satisfy selfish "urges" that are only temporary, not really giving a shit if it ruins a woman's life

Using the phrase "I love you" to manipulate rather than encourage and build up

Refusing to educate one's self on things that could make them more well-rounded and less ignorant

Sugar-coating the truth

Half-hearted apologies

The list could go on and on. If I could choose any of these examples as my "life purpose" to make the world better, I'd have to think a lot more. Not all of these are as severe as world hunger and senseless violence, but I think many of the world's problems originate in many of these circumstances. The idea is to start small and build progress slowly, not try to tackle everything at once and make yourself crazy. The worst consequence of that is losing all faith in the possibility for improvement and accomplishing nothing but wallowing in misery. That makes me angry too, but it's difficult to avoid sometimes.

I don't want to sound as if the ONLY way to be motivated to change the world is to get angry. But that's how Mother Teresa did it. Starving children in Calcutta made her furious, and look at her now.

What angers you, and what will you do about it?

The scariest thing in the world

Sophomore year of high school, I wrote a short story based on a dream I had. It was about a girl who was a total bitch to everyone, didn't have any vision or purpose for her life other than putting others down. So when she died in a car accident, some people were actually happy. Hardly anyone attended her funeral, but those who did struggled with finding nice things to say. After all, no one dares to speak badly of dead people.

Depressing, right? Well, I wrote it to convince people to start caring more about their impact on the world, especially myself...because the scariest thing in the world to me is living a life that doesn't amount to anything. Do you ever wonder what people will say at your funeral? I don't enjoy thinking about death -- no one really does -- but every once in a while, it's important to have an honest reflection of yourself and wonder what people might say in terms of how you affected them.

Maybe you don't care about making an impact that can expand long after you're dead, but I do. Whether we're destined for heaven or end up becoming nothing more than worm food, no one has an excuse to slip by in this life unnoticed. I think deep down you know that you were meant to do something more than eat, sleep, mate, reproduce, and die. That's a perfect summary of the life of a squirrel, but it shouldn't be for you.

That was the second convicting seminar of LT so far. It's fun stuff. And it snowed again today, but I'm a crazy Ohioan who actually prefers snow over heat. I like wrapping myself in soft snuggly things. Like fleece. And kitties. I have a day off of work tomorrow and I think I might try something crazily out of my comfort zone like hiking. We'll see how that goes...

Craziness > Passiveness

First convicting thought of the summer: What am I doing in my life right now that requires faith? It's an uncomfortable question, definitely not something I can answer right off the top of my head. The truth is, I'm not entirely sure. There have been instances in my life where I've been so desperate that I had no choice but to do things God's way instead of mine, because my own ways of doing things kept ending in failure. But living in faith on a regular basis? Now that is a challenge.

One thing that has been made clear to me in the first opening days of LT is that so much of religion has been made out to be a list of do's and don'ts. I can definitely explain the things I know I'm "not supposed to do" as a Christian better than the things that I should. When you're religious, you give to charity, treat others the way you'd like to be treated, and basically be a "good person." But the list of things you should NOT do is much longer: Don't lie. Don't steal. Don't have sex if you aren't married. Don't hold on to anger. Don't forget to read the Bible regularly. Don't breathe too loudly in church (just kidding).

With a mentality like that, it's no wonder that so many people give up on God. But the ones that are so passionate, the ones that go above and beyond what even other church-goers consider to be "normal" religious behavior are not considered devout, but crazy.

Now I'm well aware that there are plenty of insane people who happen to be religious. I'm talking about those with a warped agenda like Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, or that pastor in Florida who wanted to burn the Koran in protest of building a mosque on Ground Zero. But when I think of "crazy" in the well-meaning, hungry-for-authenticity-over-passivity kind of way, I think of people who treat God the way they'd treat someone they're in love with. Someone you can't stop thinking about, someone you can't wait to spend time with.

That's a kind of passion not many people understand. The question I have for those who describe themselves as believers is this: How is your faith changing your life? Your attitude? Your behavior? If it isn't doing that, if it's just something you do on Sundays only...without intending to be disrespectful or "high and mighty," I would like to know what the point is then?

I feel like a giant hypocrite writing such a convicting post when I myself can barely answer any of the questions I've just asked. But, as I have mentioned before, I am in Colorado to be challenged, so every time I start to feel consumed by all my problems of self, I'll just look out the window at the mountains to remember how small I am (figuratively and physically) :).

I am so far from where I think I should be, but if I waited until I completely cleaned up my life I'd never get anything done, so I'll just take my screwed-up, insecure, lonely little self out from under the covers and see how God will change me this summer. This much I know: I won't return to Ohio exactly the same as I was before :D

This summer, I wanna learn to be a crazy person.

Adventures in Leadership Training, Episode 1

There are many things in this world I will never understand.

I don't understand how people accuse God of being neglectful of this world He created with all the starving and destitute people in it, yet we are the ones who choose to be selfish with our resources.

I don't understand how older, married, financially stable couples are unable to conceive children, yet irresponsible 14 year olds get pregnant without trying, in addition to plenty of irresponsible grown ups who are addicted to drugs and selfish living, and refuse to give up their parental rights.

I don't understand why I always come up with brilliant comebacks...long after the situation in which I need them has passed.

But most of all, I don't understand how people can see a view like this...

...and not believe in God. I can't believe that scenery this beautiful was formed by a random coincidence.

It hasn't even been a full week since I've been in Colorado, the leadership training hasn't officially started yet, and I've already met THREE Christians who were raised in Jewish families like I was. It's extremely rare to meet someone like that in general, let alone three in under a week! I just feel like it's more proof that I am meant to be here.

But I'm not naive about how the rest of the summer will pan out, just because the first couple days have been amazing. I remember very well what one of the pastors at my church said about how LT not only stands for Leadership Training, but also "Lots of Trials." I will be challenged this summer, I know that. I will be required to step outside my comfort zone and listen to people's ideas in project groups that I may vehemently disagree with. And if you ask most people who know me, they'll affirm the fact that I like to think I'm right about a lot of things. ;) Humility is not exactly my forte.

I already cried during the first church service, feeling convicted about a lot of things. The summer is young, and more tears are yet to come, I'm sure. It will be an interesting adventure. I'll try to keep the updates regular. :)

The end of a person is impossible to find

We all would like to think that we can know someone intimately, in such a way that we can predict what sort of actions are consistent with their character, and what actions are completely contradictory. I can say with a significant amount of confidence that my best friend is completely incapable of intentionally hurting someone; there may be some who will say the same about me. We make character judgments all the time, as if it is entirely possible to reach the end of a person, and know everything he or she is capable of.

I'm not so sure I believe that anymore.

If I could spend a significant amount of time getting to know someone -- an entire day, a week, six months, a full year -- and feel as if I truly know them, the only rational conclusion I can make is that that person has no depth. You can anticipate a person's reactions and even finish their sentences, but there are some aspects of everyone's lives that they tend to keep to themselves. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has their dark moments. Different circumstances can bring out a side to someone you love that you never thought you'd see. I don't believe it's possible to know someone completely.

In all brutal honesty, I don't think I'd want to know someone (other than God) who knows me that well. I would be horrified to even know myself that well. I don't want to know the evil I am capable of, the decisions I could make in the future that may completely contradict the values I have now.

What are the factors that determine how well we can know one another? Is it time? Proximity? The way we act around others? How many facets can be attached to a single human life?

This is what I love and hate about biographies. All my favorite historical figures have been dead for centuries; all that is available for me to 'know' them are the words of historians, and each one takes a different view of a person's life and accomplishments. The only way to represent your identity in a way that is accurate is if you write your own life story (which is what I am in the process of doing...very, very slowly...).

If you don't, better be prepared for people to completely misunderstand everything you want to be known for.

You will not be able to know me, or anyone, just by looking at my book collection.

You will not know me by the contents of my iPod or my poetry.

You will not even think you know me by my religious beliefs.

I don't know the best way to get to know anyone. But all I know for sure is that no one remains static and unchanging. You can never really be surprised by the things that people do, and the choices that they make, because everyone is capable of anything.

The End of an Era

Graduation from Hudson High School, class of 2007:

And graduation now, Kent State class of 2011:

Unfortunately, the registrars office still thinks my middle name is Elizabeth. My name was listed "Sarahbeth E. Caplin" in the commencement booklet, which means there's a 90% chance it will be wrong on my diploma when I get it by mail (grrrr!).

I wonder when it will finally sink in that I'm done with school (till grad school, that is). I have no idea what will happen once the summer Leadership Training in Colorado is done. I'm too young to be an official big kid!