An overflowing cup of mercy

So...remember how I decided to give my friend Anna my last $20 for her mission trip to Amsterdam, all the while praying that God would use that donation to teach me a lesson on faithfulness? Well...

Since that post was written, I have applied to 10+ other local restaurants, department stores, and grocery stores...and I am now an official employee at Panera!! I walked in for an open interview session, was one of the first to arrive, and 15 minutes later, I got hired. Ohh isn't God just awesome?!! Who'd have thunk it?

And, I start my volunteer position at the crisis center this Wednesday. Now that it's coming up, I am feeling a little bit anxious. What if it does turn out to be too much for me to handle? Does this mean I have to completely re-think my career plans?

I shouldn't assume the worst just yet. Well, I shouldn't even be assuming the worst at all (remember your resolution, Sarahbeth!). See, Jesus and I have been having some talks lately (yes, talks). And this is what I think he is telling me:

SB, for a long time you wished that someone could have shared with your 17-year-old self the lessons on relationships you know now. But you know that there was no way you could have learned those lessons without allowing your heart to be broken first. Think of this opportunity as your second chance. You are in a place of privilege to share with other women the lessons you learned in your time of depression. You can use that pain to change their lives.

Still, I am very nervous, and if anyone feels compelled to pray for me...I would deeply appreciate it.

And now, some more puppy cuteness. I think we have figured out which puppy is Dodger from the first picture we saw of the litter:

Altogether now: Awwwwwwww!

Winners, losers, and the faith of Tim Tebow

Yes, I am jumping into the media frenzy about Tim Tebow. I didn't want to, I really didn't...but just like the Very Kardashian Divorce train wreck, there are people saying things about him that are accurate...and some things that are based in misconceptions about Christianity which, once again, give non-believers a flawed picture of who God is...and who he is not.

It may surprise some people to hear that I'm not an avid Tebow fan. But from what I hear of him, he seems very...genuine. He's one of the few outspoken Christians in the media today who seems to walk his talk, and has yet to be caught with a sex tape or some kind of ponzi scheme. For that, I can respect him. He's under so much pressure and so much scrutiny, yet he's barely a year older than I am and seems to be handling it well. For that, I can respect him.

But, when it comes down to it, Tim Tebow is a football player...and I really don't have much interest in football. There doesn't seem to be anything truly remarkable about his skills as a quarterback, from what I hear, which is why I'm sure so many people can't stand him -- because his personal convictions are more popular than his game. I can appreciate the frustration that comes with shining a spotlight on a decent, but not legendary player for his outspoken religious beliefs as opposed to giving that attention to one with more winning experience, but less faith.

My issue is when people say that Tebow has no business thanking God for his winning streak, because certainly God has better things to do than pay attention to a mindless football game. I know football isn't mentioned in the Bible, but how can people say that for sure? If God is a personal God (and I think he is) then wouldn't he care about the things that we care about? Wouldn't he be the one to whom players credit their athletic abilities, if God gives everyone unique talents and gifts?

The other issue to consider is whether God picks favorites...that somehow, the Denver Broncos are held in higher favor as opposed to any other team. Some people on my Facebook friends list have asked the question of what will happen to Tebow's faith now that the winning streak has ended. I am very impressed by his response:

"Sometimes I pray before games, during games, after games ... regardless whether I win or lose … whether [I'm] the hero or the goat, it doesn't matter, I still honor the Lord and give Him glory because He's deserving of it. Just like my faith shouldn't change, neither should that … You can still honor the Lord with how you handle things." (http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/01/15/patriots-stop-tim-tebow-why-he-will-be-missed/)

Not what most people would expect, is it? It shows a stark contrast between those who put their trust in God's sovereignty, knowing that his plans are not always our plans, and have the maturity to understand the difference...and those who treat God like a cosmic vending machine, a creator who waits on the beck and call of his created. It's not being self-righteous to say that God was with Tebow as he lead the Broncos to victory, but it's biblically inaccurate to suggest that God's favor is dependent on what we can do for him with our own flawed abilities, as opposed to what God already did for us.

We're a society who loves winners. Our loyalties sway with whoever is at the top of their game at a given time. If that team falters, we're quick to switch sides (Cleveland Browns/Cavs, anyone?). Does anyone ever take time to consider that some of our greatest "wins" come out of our most devastating losses?

And no, I'm not just referring to sports.

Author of the moment, do I end up happy?

Resolution #7: Never take any blessing for granted.

Even after everything I've learned this last year about pursuing joy in all circumstances, I'm still afraid to completely  let go and be happy already. I'm afraid of feeling something that's real, and then having it slip away from me and end up being worse off than before. With happiness comes a certain vulnerability.

But then I think, what if I could let go just for today? My circumstances could change tomorrow, or even in the next hour...there is no guarantee that they won't. So what, exactly, am I waiting for?

I should be taking in all the good moments that I can. If I don't fully enjoy my life, then I am wasting it. What do I have to gain by being so paranoid? I find myself praying more for strength and perseverance through difficult times than simply praising God for everything amazing in my life.

So long as I keep reminding myself that everything I have is a gift, and not a right, I think I can remain balanced. I am not entitled by any means to a well-paying job, material possessions, a master's degree...I may have earned many things, but I am not defined by them. This is a world where I am summed up by a resume, personality, and appearance. If none of those things are indestructible -- and they aren't -- then clearly I need to seek happiness in something that is.

I'm always concerned that my lifestyle doesn't match the convictions I claim to live by. I always feel like I can do more. I beat myself up too much for things that aren't always my fault (or not 100% my fault, I should say). I just want...stability. But the more I pray for it, the more chaotic my life becomes.

With that I say to you, 2012...bring it. I can take whatever you can dish out and then some. Really :)

Moving ahead, bold and confident

I'm not sorry to see 2011 go. I have officially dubbed it the Year of Insanity, and so far 2012 is turning out to be pretty good (okay, so it's only the third day of January, but I'm trying to be optimistic). I've got a volunteer position at a crisis center in Kent, and I'm actually really excited about it (does that sound morbid?). I don't have any rose-colored visions about what it will be like...I know it's painful work, and it will take a strong person to hear others' tragic stories and not have their hearts shatter into smithereens. I consider this like a 'sneak preview' of what my eventual career will be like...and if I discover that I can't handle it, well, I have plenty of time to change my plans if absolutely necessary.

Looking back is unwise, but nostalgia isn't necessarily a bad thing. This time last year, I was so sick I could barely talk...it broke my heart to realize that the city of Paris hated me  after making me violently ill for the second time. Not how I imagined starting my final semester of senior year.

And then began a chain of events where I was tragically depressed, survived a summer of spiritual bootcamp in Colorado and had my heart broken again (but in a different way this time), got a little bit of hope back...and I realized my calling was to start a ministry to counsel abused women. I got three tattoos (probably as rebellious as I'll ever get). I got accepted to a graduate school...but only God knows where I'll really end up.

And finally, I met a boy who makes me smile every day...never in a million years saw that coming. I feel so undeservingly blessed.

Anyway, on to my list of New Year's resolutions (ones I actually intend to keep this time!):

1. Read about the life of a saint every day.
I found one of those yearly devotional books at Last Exit for only 4 bucks. It was so meant to be on my bookshelf :)

2. Write more letters!
I'm bringing old fashioned handwritten communication back. Facebook is convenient, but nothing says "I was thinking of you" like a personalized letter or greeting card (and no, I don't mean the ones with cutesy sayings inside, where all I do is sign my name at the bottom. That's cheating!).

3. Start a movie collection.
I've always been more of a book nerd, and the only movies I've owned before this year are VHS, which really saddens me because I remember saving up my babysitting money to buy my own VCR and it still works just fine...I boycotted the DVD movement for a while, but since it's here to stay, I'm giving in.

4. Choose a grad school
...and with that, my first apartment (with wall-to-wall bookshelves, of course). Maybe, if I have any money left over, I'll splurge on a rabbit or a guinea pig.

5. Completely clean out my closet of all the clothes I never wear and give them to charity.
I don't want to be one of those girls with constant "So many clothes but nothing to wear" syndrome. I actually get overwhelmed if I have too much "stuff" that never gets worn, or used.

6. Finish my book!
As for getting it published...well, maybe that will be next year's resolution :)

That's all I've got for now, but I'll probably come up with more later.

Financial responsibility according to Jesus

Of course nothing in my life goes smoothly all at once. Shocking, right?

I am now a statistic, just one of the millions of college grads out there in need of a full-time job to pay the bills. Actually, the only bill I need money to pay for right now is my credit card bill. Everything else...well, such is the privilege of living at Hotel Mom and Dad. Some essentials, like food and rent, are gladly paid for. Go ahead and judge me if you want. At least I can have my cat for a few more months before I come up with some way to get the heck out of this town.

I miss having regular hours. I miss having cash in my pocket. As I am lamenting my sad, sad situation, I get a letter in the mail. It's from a girl in my Bible Study group, asking for financial support for a mission trip to Amsterdam next spring. A trip I really really really wanted to go on, but alas, it costs money I do not have.

So I'm a little jealous of her right now...pathetically so, since I have been to Europe more times than most people I know. But still. I am jealous. And, at first, a tad resentful. When it was my turn to raise support for a church trip, my first thought toward the whole process was, How can I, a broke college grad, ask other broke college grads to give me money?? I didn't want to do it, but I sent a few support letters for my summer in Colorado. I didn't get many responses. But, as God would have it, my Jewish grandparents ended up funding the rest of the support money I needed to go. My Jewish grandparents. For a Christian leadership program! Clearly, my God knows how to take care of people in ways they least expect.

Meanwhile, I vented to Josh the other day "This whole year is turning out to be a total waste! What's the point of taking a year off from school if I'm just sitting on my butt drinking coffee at Scribbles all day not making any money?!"

He just stared at me. "So, uh...you mean the whole year was a waste? Really?"

I realize what I've just said, and immediately backtrack. "I mean, financially speaking. Obviously this year isn't a complete waste, since I met you and all..." Luckily I didn't have to explain myself too much, since he knew what I really meant ;) But still, I am more than a little upset at how this year is not what I thought it would be. Then again, as Josh rightly pointed out, it has also turned out to be a year of unexpected gifts...so I guess I can't complain too much :)

With that in mind, I decided to rethink the whole support-raising situation for my friend. I know how stressful it is to try and tactfully ask people for money. No matter how much you stress that it's for a good cause, the bottom line is, you are still asking people for money. It's not an easy thing to do. But I know the importance of this trip. I know there will be some sight-seeing involved, but I know that the greater purpose of it is to bring a much-needed message to a spiritually impoverished nation in need of hope.

I have exactly twenty dollars in my wallet right now. All I really plan to spend it on is coffee. If I give my friend my last twenty dollars, I pray that God will use that act of giving not just to help her be able to go to Amsterdam, but to teach me a lesson on faithfulness as well. I'm not expecting to give my friend money and have God reward me by dropping a check with the amount for a whole semester of grad school tuition right out of the sky. I know He doesn't work that way. But what I do expect is that He will use my donation to show me that there are plenty of people more in need than I am, and if I can use what He's given me to help them, then surely He will use whatever resources he sees fit to take care of my needs as well.

It seems like such an archaic thing to do...to trust an invisible being with my financial needs. But, as one friend of mine pointed out earlier today, how can I trust God with my eternal salvation, but not with smaller things like money? I guess, when put that way, my fears don't make much sense.

And with that, I enclose my last twenty dollars to my beautiful, passionate, wonderful sister in Christ, Anna Michelle. I pray your trip is life-changing and full of surprises :)

Dissecting the Infamous Cliche

I confess...I am about as cliche as they come. All English-major knowledge aside, I am such a sucker for them. Maybe I'm a true romantic, maybe I'm cheesy, maybe I'm flat-out ridiculous...most likely all of the above. How often do you have to say something before it becomes just another expression to be stowed in a generational vault?

It makes me wonder, then, for all its many uses and contexts, how "I love you" never seems to get old.

"I miss you" still means your presence is notably absent.

Can we ever say these things too much?

Maybe we can. Maybe we need to start considering how our actions line up with these words.

Maybe love is accepting that chivalry has merely been forgotten, not killed. It just needs to be brought back.

Maybe caring for someone is more than offering practical advice, but refusing to cringe when they cry so hard that their snot gets all over your shirt. Because what ordinary person can handle someone at their worst, and consequently appreciate them more at their best?

It's easy to love and care for those who show the same qualities to you...anyone can do that. It doesn't take any extraordinary talent or depth of character. But loving others who look at you as someone who isn't good enough to even be the scum on the bottom of their sneakers...that's real love. It's often mistakenly labeled as insanity or even codependency. But so many of us are afraid to put ourselves out there, to be chewed up and spit back out.

I have a better understanding of what this looks like having been a waitress, believe it or not. I don't want to be someone who bends over backwards for customers who treat me like a lower-class citizen because I'm desperate for a tip, and don't want them calling my manager on me. I want to be someone who willingly -- maybe someday, when I'm a little more mature, even joyfully -- serves others because I understand how much of a chore it is for others to love the worst in me.

And of course I am well aware of what the worst of me looks like. Denying it won't hide its existence. But accepting that fact about me makes it a little bit easier to take the baby steps toward forgiving someone for even the most vile of offenses...because my own disgust for the weaknesses of other people doesn't make me any better.

This is my cliched sermonette for the evening :)

And this is the guy who has reminded me that chivalry is still alive and well:

Whoever came up with the idea for ugly Christmas sweater parties is a genius. I'm kind of a sucker for those too.

All the many roads we took to get here

I think often of how certain events in my life don't seem to make sense, yet somehow they connect like puzzle pieces in ways I never expected. It happens often over the course of several years. All my journals are proof of this, and that is why I hold on to them, even the embarrassing ones :)

I meet and talk to a lot of people who feel discouraged that so many of their prayers go unanswered. I blame the "fast" society that we live in, where everything is instantaneous. You don't even have to get out of your car to return library books anymore (at least not in my home town, you don't). We're so used to -- entitled, even -- to having the things we want happen when we want them to, and God forbid we have to be patient, well, then maybe it just isn't worth it (yes, I realize the irony that this is coming from me, the most impatient person in the world. I accept this. What can I say, I am a work in progress!).

When I first became a Christian three years ago, I wrestled with the whole "sharing your faith" (or whatever you want to call it) aspect of it. I didn't understand it. I mean, we all know and despise bible thumpers. I grew up Jewish, I have been thumped by many a bible in my time. But I misunderstood the concept. It's not about converting people. It's about sharing a message of hope, but only with those who are willing and ready to hear it.

I naturally assumed this would be my worst struggle with Leadership Training in Colorado this summer. I knew it would be uncomfortable. But then, in March of my senior year, I ended a destructive relationship I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I had to be broken -- I knew that's what God was doing -- to understand "Oh, okay, so this message of hope that I'm supposed to be preaching actually has some purpose to it." I mean, why go through your life hating yourself, feeling worthless because the guy you love hurts you and is now with someone else, when you can survive and thrive instead? Not really a complicated choice, is it? Well, it was when I realized that finding my purpose means falling apart first. Only Jesus is the answer for the healing I needed. I don't care if people disagree with me. I'm still gonna offer it anyway, the same way other people would recommend counseling, ice cream, and Oprah.

So the evangelism training for LT became less of a big deal than it was before; instead, healing was my top priority. And, lo and behold, sharing my faith became easier, because I had motivation for it that was more genuine than simply "I'm a Christian and I have to do this." Broken people are the best ministers to other broken people, I think. And so far, I think it's quite effective. As I said, I'm not on a mission to convert anybody. I'm just sharing what I'm learning, and how it's changing my life for the better.

So fast forward to this fall semester: I surprised myself by voluntarily participating in my church's outreach program. We basically go around surveying people about their spiritual beliefs (if they want to). We've had some really good conversations so far. If nothing else, we've proven that not all Christians have an agenda to boost the number of congregants in their churches and put more money in the collection plate.

Anyway...long story short...it is because of my willingness to push through the awkwardness of talking to strangers in order to share a valuable message that I was in the student center and ran into an old friend...and old friend who, to my great shock, actually ended up becoming more than just a friend...and I am finally starting to remember what happiness feels like again. God has blessed me so much. I don't deserve it, but I am so grateful.

But as rewarding as this journey has been, it didn't happen without unintentionally causing pain to someone else. Someone I still deeply care about, even if he no longer believes it. He has no idea how truly sorry I am. But I am praying that God does healing in his journey too, and someday in the future, all the roads will meet and this craziness of life will actually make some sense.

SB is 23!

So, I'm now 23. Have looked 17 for about 5 years now...or maybe younger than that. Young enough to be asked by two different waitresses if I wanted a kids menu (a KIDS menu???). They say I'll be greatful for these assumptions by the time I'm 40...too bad that's another 17 years from now.

Alwell. It was a fun time. I got to see some close friends in sunshine-y Texas. Then I came back to Ohio where the temperature was 50 degrees lower, and the sun almost nonexistant. Surprise surprise.

Sharon and I have the same birthday!



She's exactly 3 years older than me

As for gifts, I got time with amazing friends...

And...last but not least...

Yeah, that's right. Pretzel earrings!! Apparently Justin knows me well...not to mention that the A&M shirt, the earrings, AND the pretzel and pickle Christmas ornaments were ALL stuffed inside a pretzel box.

Don't worry, I got to actually eat the pretzels that came with the box too :)

Oh, and this...

That sucker is THRICE thickness of an Auntie Anne's pretzel in Ohio...I was impressed. Then again, "everything is bigger in Texas!" I should have known. Forgive me, I'm just an ignorant ol' yankee.

The big dreams of a broke college graduate: a rant

I hate how everything worth doing in this world costs money. The people who are most qualified for professions that involve saving lives, curing illnesses, or bringing justice to crime victims are stuck in debt because everything is so damn expensive. At the same time, we can't devalue the "working man" jobs as alternatives for those who never had the chance to pursue higher education because those are the jobs that we never think about, but we would be screwed if they did not exist: the garbage men, the postal workers, the plumbers, the mechanics...

I got into this debate with my mom a couple days ago: is it necessary for some students to fall through the cracks, so to speak, so that we have people to fulfill those job positions? Is this sucky economy locking the newest graduating classes into jobs that may not allow them to use their full potential, since all the higher paying jobs require training that intelligent but indebted students just can't afford?

I am writing this, if you couldn't already tell, from the perspective of a disgruntled college graduate who is struggling to choose between a grad school with a perfect chaplaincy program, but has a tuition cost that will require selling off my firstborn to pay for it, and one with a not-so-specific-to-my-chosen-field-of-study program with a surprisingly reasonable tuition cost...and my heart is torn. The decision about which grad school I end up going to can't be made solely based on the cost, can it?

Perhaps I should start spending my tip money on lottery tickets, put out an ad for a sugar daddy on Craigslist, or sacrifice my dream of an apartment with a wall-to-wall bookshelf and settle for living in a shoebox. I am already feeling jaded and bitter about a future that has barely even started. *Sigh*

Then again, Joan of Arc was a fifteenth-century peasant with zero education who was somehow able to lead an army and change the world. I mean, if that was doable, then surely I can find a way to impact the world without having to sell my soul to pay off my inevitable debt...right? Right?

I had this picture in my head/Of where I ought to be and when/But it's just like the good advice/That John gave when he said/Life is what happens while we're busy making plans... "Sandcastles," Kate Voegele.

On a positive note, here's a little puppy cuteness to brighten your day:

"Why you put me in da sink, Mom?"

Answer: Because we found you sleeping in your own pee, you silly pup!

Kim Kardashian and homosexuals didn't ruin marriage...we all did

I hate to jump on the "Let's hate on Kim Kardashian for making a mockery of marriage" bandwagon, mostly because all the punch lines have been shared to death already. But this picture on my Facebook newsfeed got me thinking:

I agree with it, for the most part. There is a lot of hypocrisy about the sanctity of marriage being perpetrated by straight people. But using a celebrity like Kim as a means to expose this hypocrisy is wrong for two reasons:

One, I think it's safe to assume that 72 day long marriages are rare among average, non-famous people. Whether or not you believe that the divorce was planned right along with the wedding for publicity's sake, the reality is that Kim's fame alone makes her an unlikely candidate for a long, happy marriage. We all know that celebrity marriages tend to have an extremely limited shelf life, as they are often made on a foundation of jello instead of genuine commitment. I mean, if you're bordering on becoming a has-been before you even start to get gray hair, a high-budget wedding is a great way to get your name back in the press.

Secondly, getting back to my point about how Kim's divorce makes the debate on gays ruining marriage seem silly: the quote from the above picture makes the faulty assumption that divorce is not a big deal to Christians. Obviously, Christians can and do get divorced, but that's no excuse for the church to suddenly change its stance. Jesus' teachings don't change just because society does, and "everybody's doing it" is no excuse for down-playing the seriousness of marital commitment.

I'm not about to argue why I don't believe in gay marriage, but from the Christian perspective, I will say that it isn't fair at all to blame homosexuals for ruining the sanctity of marriage. That is one thing that picture gets right: straight people, Christian or not, are doing a great job of that all on their own.

The gay marriage debate will go on, but in order for their stance to be taken seriously, Christians need reminders on what "Till death do us part" means just as much as everybody else, before they open their mouths to protest the nuptials of their homosexual neighbors.

Long story short, human beings are fickle creatures, regardless of sexual orientation, who want to have their wedding cake and eat it too. And in other news, water is wet.


Last but not least: WE GOT OUR PUPPIES! Introducing Oliver and Dodger, the newest Caplin critters:

The new brothers first meeting: "What is this thing, and why is it in my space???"

I'm in love!!!